Hi, I’m Michael Celani, and throughout my life, I was various combinations of teenage, mutant, ninja, and turtle. I’ve never seen a lick of this franchise, and my complete impartiality is why I’m uniquely qualified to tell you which commanders in Magic: the Gathering’s new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set are jank, and which commanders are good.
Unlike normal set reviews, my Jank Ranks analyze each newly-printed commander through the lens of discovering the most conceptually interesting among them. I consider each card’s novelty, flexibility, and play patterns to determine which are worth building and which are value-slop. Let’s get to it!
Agent Bishop, Man in Black
Like Luminarch Aspirant? Well, here’s two of them.
Well, I suppose two actual Luminarch Aspirants (Luminarchs Aspirant?) could double up their counters on one creature, so it’s not quite the same. Let’s call Agent Bishop, Man in Black 1½ Aspirants, or 150 centiaspirants for those of you on the metric system.
And while I’m on the subject, I’m gonna get this out of the way now, at the start of the review: a vast portion of the commanders in this set are just “card you’ve seen before, but legendary now!” Unfortunately, Wizards didn’t choose to uplift anything that’s Nephilim-tier, so prepare for a lot of nothing.
April O'Neil, Kunoichi Trainee
I checked my calendar, and there’s no time for April in it.
I suppose you could pull some Crovax, Ascendant Hero-style shenanigans and buff enemy creatures until they’re too big to block April. Unfortunately, that a) really only works consistently against other white creatures and b) leaves your opponents with a smorgasbord of beefcakes that will dome you harder than the second act of The Simpsons Movie.
Jennika, Bad Apple Big Sister
Jeez, I’m really at a loss with Jennika, Bad Apple Big Sister. What do I even say? I guess I’m gonna analyze Plainscycling, despite the fact you’ll never use it if it’s stuck in the command zone.
Well, the only interesting card you can get really get with Plainscycling is Mistveil Plains (Idyllic Grange in shambles). So let’s assume that’s your game; you tutor for it and play it. What do you put on the bottom of your library, and how do you abuse that in a deck with a not-Grenzo in the zone?
Well, whatever it is, it probably uses something like Proteus Staff, and hot take, if you’re doing something that exiles or stacks your entire deck, then your win condition isn’t meaningfully different from Thassa's Oracle.
Sure, Doomsday isn’t technically a game changer, but if you’ve built a deck that runs Doomsday, then you’ve built an Ad Nauseam combo in a spherical trench coat. Change my mind, you orb-apologists. Sphere guardians. Ball lovers.
Koya, Death from Above
Koya, Death from Above is Flickerwisp, but instead of allowing you to flicker any permanent, you’re limited to creatures. In exchange, you’re afforded the world’s most scuffed removal option, which demands you pay a full 
for the privilege of keeping a man murdered.
While a surface-level look at this card might stop at “Wow! is Ravenous Chupacabra mana,” as you reach for your Ephemerate, but hold on: the true value of Koya is as a mass-blink buffer with a commander-murdering side hustle. Think of it like this: either your opponents have no commanders out, and you can use Koya to squeeze an extra single-target flicker out of your Eerie Interlude, or they do have a commander out, and you can target that creature with the trigger instead.
Like a particularly offensive Roon deck, your opponent must elect to put their commander in the zone, because if they let it ride until the next end step, then you can actually pay the and keep that creature exiled — at which point, they’re absolutely fucked, because their window to replace the zone-change-to-exile has passed. Their commander will stay there, forever stranded, and your opponent will have to explain to their orphaned creatures why daddy isn’t coming home to kiss them goodnight ever again.
Leonardo, Big Brother
Sneak costs aren’t exactly subtle if you’ve decided to place a commander with one face-up in the zone for everyone to read — though in retrospect, that didn’t exactly damn Yuriko to a life of mediocrity. So, I’m not going to interrogate whether or not their sneak cost being visible makes these commanders worse. Let’s just evaluate Leonardo, Big Brother as printed: namely, as a combat trick for go-wide decks.
And in that context, oops! Did my seven 1/1 Wiener tokens get past your ironclad defenses of a tapped mana dork and those two value engine creatures you’d never wanna block with? Well, guess who’s doing an extra six points of damage for just 
! Honestly, it’s the ridiculously low casting cost that makes Leo worth playing, because if he cost just one or two mana more, I’d decry him as strictly worse than Make a Stand.
Leonardo, Cutting Edge
Better Ajani's Pridemate. Certainly not the best Pridemate, nor the most fun Pridemate, but — better Ajani's Pridemate.
Though now that I back up a bit, I’m seeing some extraordinarily cheap sneak costs this set. Like, free with Morophon cheap. Wonder if you could do something sneaky clever with that.
Leonardo, Leader in Blue
Whereas Big Brother was a better Make a Stand, Leader in Blue is a worse Inspired Charge — and Inspired Charge was already cheeks.
Leonardo, Sewer Samurai
From a deckbuilding perspective, Leonardo, Sewer Samurai isn’t novel in any way, shape, or form; he’s just turbo-Lurrus. From a gameplay perspective, though, I can see myself having tons of fun with this guy.
At time of writing, there’s 1,345 (nice) creature cards in white with power or toughness less than 2, and plenty are fantastic. I’m immediately clocking Leo as a reasonable alternative to Delney, especially since blinking or bouncing a creature with a finality counter takes that counter away. Boy, does this guy go brrrr with a Mirror of Life Trapping.
Normally, I’d be up contractually obligated to bring up Clockwork-style cards (which have a low printed power and toughness but actually enter as big beaters), but since you’re not actually cheating anything out this time, I’m going to save it for another time.
Instead, let me offer this wisdom: get a Nesting Grounds and ruin the aristocrats player’s day with it. If you’ve been reading my articles for any period of time, you should already have one. Buy a Nesting Grounds.
Leonardo, the Balance
This subset of partner commanders is absolutely lopsided with respect to Leonardo, the Balance. You’re obviously meant to have him in one slot and one of the five other Character select commanders in the other. Not only does Leonardo, the Balance grant access to the full 
color identity, he also synergizes with every single other partner in a much deeper way than any other individual pairing of two could.
Unfortunately, these variations on a theme don’t go far enough, and they all end up mishmashed into a grab bag of decks that play the same: you’re a go-wide tokens deck with additional +1/+1 counter and artifact synergies. Your win condition is probably Rise and Shine and you’re not running Sage of Lat-Nam even though it’s actually bonkers. I’m sure there are micro-synergies you could focus on with each partner, but it’s not a radical enough departure to make each deck feel like its own thing.
The best I can do in terms of making this deck interesting is to say you should include all five alternative partners and roll to see which one you play with, but this is just five-color value-slop.
Leonardo, Worldly Warrior
Leonardo, Worldly Warrior has the benefit of being an easy-to-cast creature with a super high mana value. Unfortunately, caring about high mana values isn’t really a white thing, so he’ll probably be relegated to the ninety-nine in any deck that would seriously consider Traverse Eternity.
Sally Pride, Lioness Leader
Sally Pride, Lioness Leader reminds me of Reverent Hoplite — a five-mana army-in-a-man that scales based on how well you satisfy some trivial condition. For Hoplite, you needed devotion to white; for Sally Pride, you need nontoken creatures.
These types of creatures have always made decent blink targets, though with how far the game has advanced in the last few years, it’s starting to feel a little old-fashioned. The fact that the Mutants are 2/2s instead of 1/1s hasn’t escaped me, since that’s as substantial a buff as the +1/+1 counter each creature gets when you swing with her.
This commander is straightforward, but I have a soft spot for her thanks to my nostalgia for the sorts of games where blinking something that made a few 1/1s was considered good.
Splinter, Aging Champion
Splinter, Aging Champion, when taken alongside Koya, Death from Above and Sally Pride, Lioness Leader, has me convinced that this set is the champion of the mildly annoying blink target.
In fact, I kinda like Splinter more than a bog-standard Ravenous Chupacabra. Don’t attack with your big beater, or it’ll die! You could even make deals that as long as nothing attacks you, nothing gets blown up. That line of thought will save you from quite a bit of damage over the course of the game.
And if nobody’s playing ball, then at least white is well known for tapping down creatures; anyone who’s ever been locked down by a Giant Killer in Throne of Eldraine draft can attest to that. Play tappers, kill things at instant speed with an Ephemerate, and question why you’re not just running Hylda. I like it.
Splinter & Leo, Father & Son
This card baffled me when I first saw it.
So, you can choose one or both effects, but if you choose both, you have to give the second benefit to one of your opponents? Like, if Splinter & Leo, Father & Son had flash, sure, you could use them as a combat trick to screw with blockers, but they don’t. I suppose it’s purely political?
It actually distracted me enough I almost forgot to review the card itself. Both modes are fine at three mana, and if you have a lot of Teleportation Circle-type effects in your deck, you’ll get plenty of value. If you’re not using a blink deck, may I instead recommend Felidar Retreat?
April O'Neil, Hacktivist
April O'Neil, Hacktivist might as well read “at the beginning of your end step, draw two cards, because you’ve cast an artifact creature.” Actually, make it three, because you’re topping it off with a ton of one-mana cantrips, too.
If I built her, I think I’d go on a little mini-quest to see if I can knock out every spell type all in one turn. Actually, why isn’t that one of those alternate win conditions? “You win the game if you’ve played a land and cast an artifact, battle, creature, enchantment, instant, planeswalker, and sorcery spell this turn.” Put me on the design team, coach, I’m ready!
April O'Neil, Human Element
There comes a point in every artifact player’s Magic career where they realize that what the artifacts do doesn’t actually matter. April O'Neil, Human Element will dump a shitload of tokens on the board, at which point your win condition is probably Rise and Shine and you’re not running Sage of Lat-Nam even though it’s actually bonkers. Tutor out your Inspiring Statuary as soon as possible, folks.
April O'Neil, Live on the Scene
April O'Neil, Live on the Scene is the chosen commander for the kindred version of the character select partners, and seeing those three typelines in a row makes me yearn for the alternate universe where Teenage was also a creature type, I have a billion dollars, and I’m also Ryan Reynolds.1
April, Reporter of the Weird
Any unique strategies you could come up with under April, Reporter of the Weird seem much more interesting under Curie, Emergent Intelligence.
Baxter, Fly in the Ointment
I was about to praise Baxter, Fly in the Ointment for turning wheels into devastating buff spells, but then I remembered Shabraz, the Skyshark exists and pretty much does everything better (including flavor; hot damn, do I love some Sharknado shlock).
At the very least, Baxter jumps every creature with a counter on it when he swings, so there’s some go-wide counter synergy in here. Hard to beat Danny Pink on that front, though; I’d rather be drawing oodles of cards every turn then getting in a little extra damage.
Donatello, Gadget Master
Alright, I’m on board, I’m on board. There are plenty of artifacts you shouldn’t have in multiples, like Aeon Engine, and Donatello, Gadget Master delivers without the pesky timed obsolescence of any given Saheeli. Find a way to get him through blockers, find a Mirror Box, and go to town on The Stasis Coffin. Your friends will be mildly annoyed with you for days to come!
Donatello, Mutant Mechanic
Fellas, has this ever happened to you? You’re building your very own modular deck, and then, the horror! You realize that every modular creature sucks! Worse still, you also learn that, since babies have more bones than adults, someone’s been stealing bones from all of us and they’re still at large.
Well, not to worry! Donatello, Mutant Mechanic is here to make sure those +1/+1 counters make it to the rest of your team no matter what happens (and bonus points for doubling ‘em up if you still decide to hamstring your deck with crap like Arcbound Lancer.)
But let’s be real. You’re not here for modular doubling; that’s for babies who have yet to get their bones stolen. No, you’re here to learn what weird-ass counters exist on artifacts, as Donatello has no restriction on what he can Ozolith away.
Let’s start with the most straightforward synergy: the Spacecraft to charge-counters-matter pipeline. Play a Spacecraft, station it to generate an excessive amount of charge counters, then scrap it with High Market to wire its counters directly into your Darksteel Reactor.
I also did a quick Yawgatog search for keywords that mention specific kinds of counters, and came up with sunburst, cumulative upkeep, and level up. None of those are practical, sure, but if you think I care, then you need to reread the blurb on my front page again.
Don’t think I forgot about that tap ability, either. Three +1/+1 counters and a permanent animation effect for just 
is nuts. Of course, the full gamut of weird artifact animation strategies apply. Animate something and Sakashima's Will your entire board into it! Backdoor crew creatures or spacecraft! Liquimetal Coating exists!
But let’s say you’re not into that. First, I’d like to affirm to you that your think is not my think, but your think is okay; I don’t thinkshame on this blog. Second, this deck’s perfect for taking advantage of the surprising number of artifacts that are outright indestructible.
And if even that’s a bridge too far for you, you have to remember that as long as Donatello lives and you’ve got an artifact waiting in the wings, those counters aren’t going away. They’re just gonna keep piling up, and three a turn (let’s be real: closer to six or nine) is a problem. Make an Eggs build! Generate an army of 3/3s with built-in sac outlets to wall your opponents off!
I love all the crazy stuff you can do with this guy. Favorite commander in the set, bar none.
Donatello, Rad Scientist
Another mildly annoying blink target. Stun counters are quite good at locking down enemy commanders, because unlike killing or exiling them, your opponents can’t immediately recast them to get back on track. They gotta wait a few extra turns, first.
That’s the same reason Auras like Imprisoned in the Moon is good, of course, but people seem less miffed about stun counters, even though they can be just as effective at denying access to critical game pieces. It’s temporary, sure, but people seem to ignore the effect of tempo on EDH games, like it’s only a consideration in draft or something. It’s weird.
Donatello, the Brains
Try all you like, Wizards, but every new “create those tokens plus a whatever” replacement effect you put on a card makes you look more and more desperate to recapture the magic that was Chatterfang, Squirrel General.
I might have to add this phrase to my list of lazy designs, alongside trigger doublers, set-mechanic flavored Do-the-Thing Syndrome cards, and the inevitable five-color typal commander. They’re coming. They’ll be there when you scroll down. I can sense them.
Donatello, Turtle Techie
Honestly, I’d love to see more of these conditional draw triggers on otherwise decently statted creatures. Cards like Donatello, Turtle Techie give you something to block with as you pursue your main goal, and the fact that the trigger’s not (strictly speaking) good actually saves it from a life of value-sloppery.
Donnie & April, Adorkable Duo
I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that Ghostly Flicker is pretty damn high on this duo’s EDHREC page.
Donnie & April, Adorkable Duo is yet another Mildly Annoying Blink Target™, but with the added bonus that you can actually use their enters trigger to return the blink spell you just cast on them back to your hand.
In that sense, they share a little in common with Kairi, the Swirling Sky, though for that commander to work you had to invest in the more-expensive-on-average cloning spells. Anyway, add a Panharmonicon, add a few cost reducers, and you’re good to deck your opponents out by actually targeting them with the draw.
Irma, Part-Time Mutant
What is it with these Universes Beyond sets and Sakashima the Imposter style clones? Seriously, they’re three for four since I started putting the Jank Ranks on my personal site.
We got Gogo, Mysterious Mime in Final Fantasy and both Chameleon, Master of Disguise and Superior Spider-Man in Marvel’s Spider-Man. Now, Irma, Part-Time Mutant represents Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and if we’re being honest, Koh, the Face Stealer is dancing on the edge of this theme. Do people really feel the need to clone their commander this much?
Irma, Part-Time Mutant does have a niche in the command zone, though. Since her copy effect sideloads an additional ability, multiple instances of Irma compound on one another, since that additional ability applies in layer 1 and is itself copiable. The plan’s simple: turn her into some nonlegendary creature, then cast any Clone to get a second copy of her-as-the-copied-creature.
Now, next combat, Irma A can copy Irma B, turning her into an Irma copy with two instances of the ability and one +1/+1 counter. In that same combat, Irma B can now become a copy of Irma A, making her an Irma with three instances of the ability and one +1/+1 counter.
Things get much worse if your opponents don’t immediately shut this down, because next combat, you can interleave Irma A’s two triggers of the ability and Irma B’s three triggers:
- Irma A clones B to 4 instances and 3 +1/+1 counters;
- Irma B clones A to 5 instances and 3 +1/+1 counters;
- Irma A clones B to 6 instances and 4 +1/+1 counters;
- Irma B clones A to 7 instances and 4 +1/+1 counters;
- Irma B clones A to 7 instances and 5 +1/+1 counters.
And God help them if you have three Irmas. All you have to do is build a deck that’s half copiers, half card you actually want your commander to attack as (ex. Invisible Stalker), and you’re golden.
Kitsune, Dragon's Daughter
I think I saw something along the lines of a kitsune being a dragon’s daughter on FurAffinity one time. Y’know, now that I think about it, the best part about going independent is that I don’t have any editors yelling at me that such jokes recently got banned in the United Kingdom and I have to consider our guv’nas across the pond.
Anyway, Kitsune, Dragon's Daughter elevates Mildly Annoying Blink Target™ to a new level, as not only can you blink her to swap your piddly little things for enemy commanders, you can also blink what you just donated to get it back under your control.
Don’t see the vision? Cast Mulldrifter to draw two new cards, then Switcheroo it for the enemy’s The Ur-Dragon, only to blink Mulldrifter to draw two new cards.
Krang, Master Mind
Krang, Master Mind is to Doctor Octopus, Master Planner as Doctor Octopus, Master Planner is to Damia, Sage of Stone. All of these commanders desperately want you to ramp as hard as possible in the early game, since their ridiculous costs are offset by the fact they replenish your spent hand. Unfortunately, Krang seems to have nothing on their two predecessors aside from a vague speed advantage, which a) doesn’t really compensate for the fact that their draw is not repeatable and b) isn’t even that useful, considering you want your hand as empty as possible before they hit the field.
Maybe the inevitable colorless version of this commander in Shut Up and Jam Gaiden (or whatever the hell the next Universes Beyond set is) will improve on the concept, but I’ve got my doubts.
Krang, the All-Powerful
This deck mostly builds itself, but it’s worth noting that Krang, the All-Powerful doubles triggers from any player drawing a card, not just yourself — so Scrawling Crawler can punish people for their hubris even harder now.
Just be glad this isn’t Grixis, because that bullshit would make Nekusar, the Mindrazer look quaint. Though actually, Krang, the All-Powerful can be run in Nekusar, the Mindrazer decks…
Metalhead
Quick, someone make this art the Magic equivalent of the soldier protecting the sleeping child meme!
Mondo Gecko
You might be tempted to break out the Scuttlemutts and call it a day, but I find Mondo Gecko to be a much more fascinating theft commander. Just steal the permanents with the colors you need from your opponents!
Ray Fillet, Man Ray
Man, it took until this set for me to realize just how much design space was eaten up by Danny Pink being so good. Pretty much any mono-blue commander that cares about putting counters on things just pales in comparison.
At least this guy’s a tongue twister. Say it ten times fast!
Ray Fillet, Wave Warrior
I’m sure that decks considering Ray Fillet, Wave Warrior are just looking for a slightly cheaper Coastal Piracy, and to that I say: why? Are you really going to have a creature with a counter on it ready to go turn three, and is that extra card a turn earlier really going to make that much of a difference?
Remember, The Indomitable can be your commander now. Raise your standards.
Renet, Temporal Apprentice
is entirely too much mana to hold up for an effect that might matter once every few months. You’re gonna bounce what, two things on average? Just counter the damn thing.
Okay, I guess you could also use Renet, Temporal Apprentice to bounce everything you cast this turn. If you want to build storm count with a bevy of Ornithopters, then… you still shouldn’t play this, because Fblthp, Lost on the Range is right there.
Stockman, Mad Fly-entist
So it seems Jennika, Bad Apple Big Sister is a cycle. Looks like I’m talking about all the landcycling!
Continuing from where we left off, Islandcyclers can find Mystic Sanctuary and Moonring Island, and from among those two, the true prize is obviously Mystic Sanctuary. I’ll just link the Commander Spellbook page, and y’all can go to town.
Armaggon, Future Shark
Aww, how cute! Wizards thinks we’re gonna actually hard-cast Armaggon, Future Shark, so they added flash to his text box. Don’t worry, I won’t tell them that it’s getting reanimated the instant it’s tutored into the yard. Our secret is safe.
Bebop, Skull & Crossbones & Rocksteady, Mutant Marauder
I like these two. They’re like a less degenerate version of Pir and Toothy; instead of drawing cards just for existing, you actually have to work for it a little.
Also, having partners at both mana value 2 and mana value 3 is marvelous for your deck’s consistency. These guys will never have a game where it feels like you couldn’t do anything.
Bebop, Warthog Warrior
Finally! A deck for Ebony Rhino!
Ah, I have to discuss swampcycling, too. Black’s nonbasic utility swamps are Witch's Cottage and Leechridden Swamp. They both have their uses, and if anything, being able to fetch Witch's Cottage to reclaim an important value piece is great.
Lord Dregg, Insect Invader
“Sacrifice a token: Draw a card” is an amazing ability. Unfortunately, it is not amazing.
Madame Null, Power Broker
Madame Null, Power Broker might tempt you to go big, but don’t take out too big a mortgage with the devil; spending ten life to turn a 10/10 into a 20/20 won’t make that much of a difference when that 20/20 gets chumped, removed, or otherwise made irrelevant.
Go for the smaller creatures, for whom the risk is much less pronounced. The sweet spot is around three power; a cavalcade of cheap 3/2s buffed to 6/5s is much trickier for the average deck to handle compared to a single 20/20.
Oroku Saki, Shredder Rising
Oroku Saki, Shredder Rising probably won’t get much of a chance to connect after his original sneak attack, so he’s basically a 3/1 for 
that cantrips. Snore.
Rat King, Pale Piper
“Sacrifice a token: Draw a card” might not be worth , but it’s certainly worth — especially in black, a color known for making obscene amounts of fodder.
Rat King, Pale Piper almost has Do-the-Thing Syndrome — he’s saved by the fact that he can’t sacrifice any nontoken creatures on his own — but other than that, solid commander. Build around whatever weird tokens you want and get the rat race started.
And speaking of the rat race, you don’t have to actually kill off your nontoken creatures to get your murine tokens; all you gotta do is force them off the battlefield, so maybe this is the perfect commander for that ever-elusive mono-black self-bounce deck.
Rat King, Verminister
You know what, make this your Shadowborn Apostle deck, just to fuck with people expecting Relentless Rats.
Savanti Romero, Time's Exile
All I see here is a more fragile, less evasive Speed Demon. Sure, you can put counters on Savanti Romero, Time's Exile directly, but if your mono-black goodstuff deck is built so poorly that it needs more than four cards a turn cycle to take over the game, then you deserve the life loss.
I’ll admit that it would be really funny to load this guy up and then donate him to an opponent who’s on the brink, though.
Shark Shredder, Killer Clone
Fascinating use of the first strike mechanic to allow a creature to enter tapped and attacking, despite having already meted out some combat damage. It’s pretty basic theft aside from that, but I appreciate how clever Shark Shredder, Killer Clone designer had to be to put these two ideas together.
Shredder, Shadow Master
Virtus the Veiled, but with myriad instead of deathtouch. That may sound like an improvement, but compared to his predecessor, Shredder, Shadow Master is actually a huge beginner’s trap.
You see, black can get one creature through blockers fairly easily, but three at a time is a much taller order. I can imagine the not-myriad copies will get chumped constantly. You might as well take the partners and gain access to green.
Shredder, Unrelenting
And this Shredder is a beginner’s trap because it encourages bad attacks.
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Splinter, Hamato Yoshi
I don’t want to spoil this review for you, but I know that there’s a five-color typal commander coming up later that basically renders this guy obsolete. Wild, I know. There are a surprising number of Rat Ninjas, though, so go wild with him in the ninety nine.
Splinter, the Mentor
The black color identity implies sacrifice, but the “leaves the battlefield” text and the fact he’s getting paired with Leonardo, the Balance a hundred percent of the time means that his true love is Eerie Interlude.
Super Shredder
Finally, the evolutionary line of creatures that started all the way back in Homelands with Baron Sengir has reached its final form.
Super Shredder is the ultimate “kill stuff to make your commander bigger” deck, since it no longer matters what goes or how it goes. Just get rid of shit, and your commander becomes a bigger threat automatically. As always, edicts are particularly efficient.
Of course, this leaves Super Shredder himself as a priority target for everyone else at the table, so you better come packing a whole Foot Locker’s worth of boots. I don’t like the prospect of being completely reset to zero whenever an errant Beast Within comes my way, so for that reason, I personally prefer Vogar, Necropolis Tyrant, but maybe you’ve just always wanted to make mono-black ponza work in commander and you finally have the deck for it.
Casey Jones, Asphalt Hooligan
I’ve never seen anyone activate Capricopian, so I don’t think anyone’s gonna hold up four for Casey Jones, Asphalt Hooligan, either.
Casey Jones, Jury-Rig Justiciar
I made a high-sticking joke in one of my articles years back with some creature that uses a scythe, and now I’m sad I didn’t save it for this moment. Seriously though, who would have predicted we’d have a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set back then? Fucking Nostradamus?
Casey Jones, Vigilante
Ironically, I think Casey Jones, Vigilante is too low a mana value. You only want to refill your hand once it’s empty; otherwise, you’re just gonna waste the ephemeral card advantage. You’re much better off with something like Clive in the zone.
On the other hand, if you actually want to stock your graveyard, this is a great roleplayer. Just don’t run them if you’re the type of person that gets super attached to the cards in their hand and cries whenever a Windfall resolves.
Casey & Raph, Hotheads
I’m on board, because mono-red top deck manipulation is quite the little puzzle to solve. Boy, do Casey and Raph love to see a Scroll Rack.
There’s also some application for targeting an opponent with the second mode, too; red has a few creatures that bonk opponents for having too many artifacts, like Fathom Fleet Swordjack. Enough to make a deck around? Probably not, but it’s a fun subtheme.
General Traag, Heart of Stone
Or, and hear me out here — you instead cast Flametongue Kavu and kill things without losing your precious artifact.
Old Hob, Alleycat Blues
I don’t know what problem Old Hob’s activated ability solves. Nobody really builds go-tall token decks, where it’s worth the resources to actually protect them. You can’t even stop most board wipes with Old Hob, Alleycat Blues, since he’s limited to shielding attacking tokens.
And even if big tokens was a more common strategy, I don’t know why you wouldn’t just get more of those giant tokens via Ghired, Conclave Exile instead of caring too much about protecting the one you have.
Raphael, Most Attitude
I was ready to call this card nuts, but then I realized that you can at most play one card per turn with Raphael, Most Attitude.
Don’t get me wrong, access to a second quasi-hand is still pretty good, and I appreciate that Raph doesn’t have to survive his assault to grant you access to it. It’s just kind of alright.
Raphael, Ninja Destroyer
If you like to play passively, then Raphael, Ninja Destroyer can consistently make you each turn. Of course, the way he makes that mana requires you to radically reinterpret pingers like Prodigal Pyromancer as mana dorks, but the prospect of choosing between shooting a man or making mana every turn excites me in my pantaloons.
Of course, this is mono-red, so you’re not playing passively. Raphael does not need to survive to give you his mana (though, if he’s granted indestructible, Pyrohemia instantly ends the game). If the lightbulb hasn’t gone off in your head yet, then imagine the text “Add ” stapled onto Blasphemous Act.
And that’s just the floor. It gets even more insane if you invest in damage doublers; City on Fire into Fireball into Crackle with Power will burn down your game store. In real life. I got arrested.2
Raphael, Tag Team Tough
Raphael, Tag Team Tough is just Port Razer, but with a tad more evasion and power for one extra mana.
Having mucked around with Port Razer before, I know it’s really hard to actually hit all three players in a given turn cycle (Rogue's Passage aside). I’d rather accept my limits and play Karlach, Fury of Avernus so that I can run a Background, too. I’ll say that this is one of the few decks where Jade Monolith makes sense, though. I love Jade Monolith.
Raphael, the Muscle
Raphael, the Muscle doubles all damage, not just combat damage, so if you’ve found some way to make creatures enter with counters, then burn creatures like Red Dragon will come down and deal eight. Warstorm Surge has never looked so terrifying.
Raphael, the Nightwatcher
Raphael, the Nightwatcher is a perfect commander for a deck crammed fulla Balls. Nobody’s gonna wanna block a team of six power creatures with double strike and trample. Find me a Rite of the Raging Storm, and I’ll show you a man who’s turned his brain off and his creatures sideways.
Raphael, Tough Turtle
Well, if you really needed another Impact Tremors, here ya go. It’s unfortunate, though; printing target opponent instead of each opponent is a massive letdown, in the Vengeful Bloodwitch sense.
Slash, Reptile Rampager
I’m torn between writing “discount Purphoros” and “didn’t I just review this?” America, vote now on your cell phones for which joke you want me to make.
Tempestra, Dame of Games
That’s an awfully large price you’d have to pay for the privilege of sidestepping the legend rule. and an artifact is just too steep for a temporary creature, and besides, abusing the legend rule to kill things before zone change triggers is one of the most fun things you can do with clones.
Tokka & Rahzar, Unsupervised
Another card, cut down in its prime by the unfortunate once-per-turn restriction. Seriously, Wizards once printed Pitiless Plunderer; why are they so afraid of giving that to red?
Wingnut, Bat on the Belfry
I don’t think I’d run Wingnut if their text box just outright read “flying, menace, haste, battle cry.”
Zog, Triceraton Castaway
Time for mountaincycling, ladies and gentlemen! It’s especially important, given Valakut, the Molten Pinnacle is actually quite good.
Red’s utility mountains include Dwarven Mine and the hilariously ineffective Madblind Mountain. Shuffling has a known synergy with cards like Brainstorm, but Brainstorm shenanigans just aren’t all that popular in Commander. Even if you do want that synergy, you’re pretty much always better off just cracking a fetch.
Leatherhead, Iron Gator
Leatherhead’s alright. She attacks as a 7/7, and if you build the board up enough before you cast her, you’ll probably kill someone. For a one mana premium, though, you can grab Kamahl, Heart of Krosa and throw a partner into the mix.
Leatherhead, Swamp Stalker
I don’t know about you, but a 5/4 hexproof trampler for four mana with the opportunity to blow up an artifact or enchantment on demand seems pretty damn good to me. It’s not the most reactive play you could make, sure, but it’s definitely gonna give an opponent holding that Legion Loyalty some pause.
Michelangelo, Game Master
Trust me, I get it. If all I could do was slowly amass +1/+1 counters over the course of turn cycles, I’d disappear too.
Michelangelo, Improviser
I want to build a deck around Michelangelo, Improviser just to stress my opponents out. You know that he’s sitting there, lurking in the command zone, so you have to block everything or else Titan of Industry is gonna come out and ruin your marriage.
But here’s the kicker: my version of the deck has no big stompy creatures. It’s just an endless array of mind games as you whittle their defenses down with piddly one-cost deathtouch creatures. It’s like a beat that never drops.
Michelangelo, Mutant BFF
It’s a shame menace isn’t in green, because it would be awfully fun to have Flopsie Michelangelo render your entire board unblockable. I guess there’s still some Equipment to play with, but it’s just not the same.
Michelangelo, On the Scene
Discount… wait, do I like Michelangelo, On the Scene more than Multani, Yavimaya's Avatar? His recursion is a lot more streamlined, but on the other hand, he loses reach and doesn’t automatically grow with lands after he enters. Hmm.
Michelangelo, the Heart
Michelangelo is pretty much objectively the weakest of the character select partners. He just doesn’t meaningfully affect the board state over the course of the game.
Michelangelo, Weirdness to 11
And here, we have Hardened Scales in the command zone. This set really doesn’t have any new ideas, does it?
Mikey & Mona, Mutant Sitters
If you’re playing a counter-focused, creature-heavy deck (and that is a fairly common archetype), then Mikey & Mona, Mutant Sitters is a better Eternal Witness for you.
Of course, I’d recommend any deck that wants to abuse such an enters trigger with blink spells stick to actual Eternal Witness, but if you’re more of a one-and-done kind of deck, consider slotting this in instead.
Mona Lisa, Ever Adaptable
There comes a point in every artifact player’s Magic career where they realize that what the artifacts do doesn’t actually matter. Mona Lisa, Ever Adaptable will dump a shitload of tokens on the board, at which point your win condition is probably — wait a minute.
Okay, so since every deck ever casts creature spells, and green is the worst color for taking advantage of artifacts being artifacts, you actually have to care about cracking the Mutagen tokens in this list. I’d go for Scurry Oak typal, where you play a bunch of creatures that scale with counters or trigger when they get counters put on them. Professor Hojo seems fun, too.
Mutagen Man, Living Ooze
Mutagen Man, Living Ooze lacks the “this doesn’t reduce costs below 
” rules text, and that is a big deal. With that, he also makes Maps, Blood, and Rocks free, and seriously discounts both Clues and Food.
If you tack on the ability to make token copies of artifacts, your prospects get even brighter. Any -to-equip Equipment becomes free, Prismite gives you perfect mana, and Soldevi Simulacrum, of all things, gets infinite power. God help you if your opponent manages to stick two of these to the field somehow.
I’d like to know the Mutagen Man, and I’m putting him straight into my Dan Lewis Equipment deck.
Rocksteady, Crash Courser
And we end this landcycling cycle with Forests, where you can tutor for both Sapseep Forest and Gingerbread Cabin.
I’m partial to Sapseep Forest myself, since it has weird combos with Patron of the Orochi, but honestly, I do not know why you would run any of the weirdly-specific landcyclers from this set over actually useful ones that were already printed years ago.
Venus, Torn Between Worlds
Torn between worlds is right, since her triggered abilities straddle both Voltron and go-wide strategies. I do particularly like Venus’s synergy with fight spells, though, since you’ll quickly buff her up to the point where she’ll win all of them and walk away with a permanent +3/+3 in counters.
Don & Leo, Problem Solvers
While I appreciate the attempt at making a new Azorius blink commander, at five mana I think most savvy players are doing ridiculous Abdel Adrian or Yorion loops instead.
Krang & Shredder
You don’t need to sacrifice anything to get good mileage out of Krang & Shredder; just blink them. They’ll consider their own past selves to be a permanent that left the battlefield and you’ll get a free card while you slowly whittle your opponents’ libraries down.
Tokka & Rahzar, Terrible Twos
Give this guy lifelink and play Helm of Awakening. Boom, your opponents have thirteen spells to win the game — Kingdom Hearts II.
Raph & Mikey, Troublemakers
The obvious jank build here is to include but one creature in your deck, so who should it be? Some options:
- Blightsteel Colossus is an obvious pick, since it kills unsuspecting players and you can sacrifice it back into the deck to stop it from getting exiled.
- If you have enough “give a permanent indestructible” tricks, Apex Altisaur will clear the board for you.
- Famished Worldsire likely wins with Landfall triggers on the spot.
Mikey & Leo, Chaos & Order
This is an uninterestingly good Too Specific Two-Mana Value Engine. Moving on.
Dark Leo & Shredder
Lacking blue is a death sentence for Ninja typal decks, though deathtouch will give you access to sneak and ninjutsu more-or-less on-demand.
Karai, Future of the Foot
Karai, Fruit by the Foot pretty much only makes sense when you can pay her sneak cost, though if she connects and you can return another Ninja to your hand, you can sneak that in on a later turn to get another crack at it.
Splinter, Radical Rat
Black can tutor for creatures without revealing them thanks to cards like Demonic Tutor, so the slam-dunk play here is to run Yuriko, the Tiger's Shadow as a secret commander. I mean, yes, it’s Yuriko, I know, but she’s like, actually Ninja themed this time.
Baxter Stockman
First strike and vigilance is fine, but if I’m running a bunch of artifact creatures and I want to give them a substantial power buff, I’m probably reaching for Jor Kadeen, the Prevailer.
Don & Raph, Hard Science
Anyone else think they drew Don twinky in this shot? No? Just me?
Anyway, it’s a shame there aren’t many gigantic combat tricks that wildly buff one specific creature, because it would be fun to build a deck that’s half “uh-oh, you blocked me and now you’ll pay the price” versus half “uh-oh, you didn’t block me and now you’ll pay the price.”
Looking at it critically, I think you’ll find a lot of overlap between Don & Raph, Hard Science decks and Saheeli, the Gifted decks. Fun fact: Saheeli, the Gifted was actually my first Commander deck. I made it into a Darksteel Forge / Mycosynth Lattice / Nevinyrral's Disk deck. Boy, was I an asshole.
Bebop & Rocksteady
Having seven power on the board turn three is extremely useful for green decks, even if you never end up attacking with Bebop & Rocksteady. I’m picturing them as a less all-in version of Yargle and Multani, where you’re still drawing a ridiculous amount of cards off Riskhar's Expertise, but you’re not waiting until turn seven to do it.
Pizza Face, Gastromancer
I’ve never been terrified by a Magic card before, but here we are. (Well, actually, that’s not true; The Fallen still creeps me out.)
If you’re animating artifacts, you’re better off with this set’s Donatello. What I wanna do is get Vito, Thorn of the Dusk Rose out and murder everyone by suddenly gaining fifteen life.
Raph & Leo, Sibling Rivals
A low-cost extra combat commander that’s actually reasonable? Sign me up! Bonus points if you can animate and swing with a Strionic Resonator alongside some creature that makes two or more mana; the extra-combat triggered ability doesn’t actually remove its targets from combat, so if you can keep copying the trigger, you can keep untapping the same things over and over.
The Neutrinos
God, this set has so few unique effects. Uhh, The Neutrinos can exile themselves, for whatever that’s worth?
Genghis Frog
I swear, this franchise’s naming convention is one gigantic shitpost.
While I’ve got the important type on screen, it’s worth mentioning that this set seems destined for some sort of unholy crossover with Fallout, given both properties’ propensities for Mutants and +1/+1 counters.
Mikey & Don, Party Planners
More builds itself typal slop — can we just hurry and get to the inevitable five color Mutant Ninja Turtle commander?
Heroes in a Half Shell
Thank you. And, as anticipated, I have absolutely nothing to say here. Can they give me just one commander that has something unique going on? More Codies, less… these.
Krang, Utrom Warlord
is a lot, but you’re rewarded with a creature that turns your entire board into basically 1-800-R-U-SCRAPPIN. Good thing that colorless decks aren’t known for making an abundance of mana. And hey! If you’ve got the type of deck that likes to run Refurbish, then Krang, Utrom Warlord is a spectacular target.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turnoff
I don’t know if it’s a tone thing, but Wizards is substantially more adept at creating interesting Universes Beyond sets for properties with fantasy aesthetics, as opposed to properties with Long Island aesthetics.
This is just my own observation, but it seems like for sets with, let’s face it, broader public appeal, Wizards falls back to simplistic typal synergies and counters, probably in an effort to not appear too complex to newer players brought in by the popular IP.
I realize that that last sentence sounds elitist, in a “popular things are bad” sort of way, but it makes sense to be as inviting as possible when you’re casting a wide net. I just don’t think the wide ocean strategy actually works when the appeal of the game is that nerdy, complicated mechanical backing. The complexity of Magic is a selling point, and not a wart to be covered up. Use your inevitable five-color commander to do something new. Give consistent, old mechanics a new spin. Do something interesting with whatcha got.
If nothing else, trust the new players coming in to engage with the material earnestly. If they’re willing to give Magic a try, then they’re already going in expecting to engage with the deepest card game ever made. I’m not saying make another Future Sight, here; just, give us regular sets. Trust the newbies. I know you can do it, Wizards.
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