Jank Rank - Marvel Super Heroes (Blue)

Attuma, Atlantean Warlord

Like my fan fiction, Merfolk get a lot of love this set. Granted, a different kind of love, but love nonetheless.

I was surprised to learn in my comprehensive five minutes of research that Merfolk haven’t had much meaningful command zone support. Fish fans everywhere get basically the Hakbal of the Surging Soul precon, Kumena, Tyrant of Orazca, and nothing else. Two commanders ain’t nothing, but if you compare that to the number of viable Goblin or Dragon commanders, you really start to feel the effects of the carbonic acid slowly seeping into our ocean.

Luckily for our fishy fish friends, I’ve looked ahead and I’ve determined that most of the Merfolk commanders in this set are good. Attuma, Atlantean Warlord is a fairly generic value engine, but some players live life on the cushy, spacious interior of their seat.

Bruce Banner // The Incredible Hulk

The Incredible Hulk is Temur Anzrag, the Quake-Mole. Play him turn one, tap him repeatedly to dig for your Lures and your Heroic Interventions, and then boom, boom, boom, your opponents have no board and you’ve saddled them with tons of commander damage.

Actually, now that I think about it, he’s even more dangerous than Anzrag. Unlike the boar, you don’t necessarily run out of gas when your opponents run out of meat shields. All The Hulk needs to keep going is to take damage, so ping him with a Pyrohemia to take twenty combats. Disgusting.

Council of Reeds

Unfortunately, the Council of Reeds is a Human. That makes me sad, because otherwise I’d mutate on top of them all day long. My dreams of a replicating shark army, ruined!

Extra combats for more Reeds are out of the question, too, given you’ve got no access to red — but now that I think about it, I suppose you could get extra combats with extra turns. I’m even less likely to tell you to pound sand for considering Time Stretch, given cultivating an exponentially growing number of Reeds will definitely end the game, instead of just devolving into the masturbatory Factorio cosplay it usually does.

If you’re so inclined, you can try the same thing with the Council of Reeds that I did with Raffine, Scheming Seer. Simply stack your deck with tons of spells that copy Council of Reeds except that they’re a 4/4 Hero or a 7/7 or on copious amounts of Ozempic or something. The copies will retain those “excepts,” and you’ll get way more value out of those clones than you otherwise would.

Helmut Zemo, Mastermind

I remember Dreadhorde Arcanist! I always thought it would make an interesting candidate for the command zone slot, and Helmut Zemo, Mastermind is right there for me. He even boosts his own power with each cast! That means you’ve got two main play patterns to choose from here.

There’s the slow burn, where you play small cantrip spells and then attack to get them a second time in the same turn; think of it as “curving out” taken to its logical extreme. This will be a very consistent deck with a ton of choices throughout the game; a real skill-tester of a list.

Then, of course, there’s the buff-his-power-and-cheat-out-Time Stretch approach. That style benefits from cramming your deck fulla huge spells you can cycle away, such as Boon of the Wish-Giver and Mental Journey. Tougher to do in blue than Dreadhorde Arcanist’s red, but you’ve always got Equipment to play with.

Unfortunately, a second reading and the careful prodding of my Discord moderators yelling at me have revealed that Helmut Zemo, Mastermind lacks a crucial aspect of Dreadhorde Arcanist: the spell you get from the graveyard ain’t free. You have to pay for it, and in my haste to see a good card promoted to the command zone where it belongs, my mind skipped over the fact that it wasn’t.

I really wish Wizards would stop neutering cards like this for their legendary version.

Immortus, Master of Eternity

If you really, really want Timetwister in the command zone, then I’m giving you permission to play Immortus, Master of Eternity. Otherwise, run a Kydele partner like a proper, God-fearing Magic player.

Impossible Man

I really like this card as a concept, but even I have my limits when it comes to impracticality. Impossible Man’s got one glaring flaw, and that’s that whatever permanent he transforms into does not retain the Impossible Man ability. You’re coerced into a stream of instant-speed activations, and at three mana a pop, that adds up fast.

But still, a legend-rule immune and completely unfettered Mirage Mirror in the command zone deserves attention. You can do stuff like copy planeswalkers or trigger Dark Depths, sure, but if you dig through the Comprehensive Rules, you’ll unlock the power of dark wizardry.

I’ll let you know when I finish my “give him a triggered ability, trigger it, and then turn him into a Battle with no defense counters so that it doesn’t die to state-based actions because it’s the source of a triggered ability that hasn’t resolved yet” deck. It works, I just need to understand why you’d do it. I’ll get back to you.

Iron Lad, Diverging Destiny

The balls on the man who decides to activate Iron Lad, Diverging Destiny knowing the top card of his library is not an artifact.

Iron Man, Armored Avenger

Most Avengers are armored, idiot.

Anyway, Iron Man, Armored Avenger is, of course, Danny Pink’s bestest friend in the whole wide world. (There’s actually a huge +1/+1-counter-on-drawing-your-second-card theme this set. Good job, Danny.)

But that doesn’t mean Iron Man’s a slouch in the zone. Cast a wheel, and you’ll generate seven or so counters which you can either distribute amongst your team or pile directly on one guy. Seriously, one of those six-mana Timetwister clones and you’re swinging with a 9/9.

Bonus points for the psychopaths out there: you can actually target enemy creatures. Do this to commit crimes, or opportunistically take advantage of poor blocks to pile damage onto targets that were definitely not expecting that much.

Iron Man, Futurist Paragon

It’s a shame this Iron Man isn’t Izzet, because I sure would love to turn enemy creatures into artifact creatures only to blow them up with cheap artifact removal. Hell, even if he was somehow Simic, you could at least go skeet-shooting with Plummet-type effects.

But blue alone has no such trickery, and we’ve already seen artifact animation dozens of times. I suppose you could use Iron Man to screw with the table’s resident Voltron player, since you could encreaturify and subsequently unattach their precious Lightning Greaves, but otherwise I’m not impressed..

Justice, Vance Astrovik

Justice, Vance Astrovik is Barrin, Tolarian Archmage for the new age—the enshittified one, where Taco Bell costs $13 for a three taco combo meal and my Tostitos come with extra lice.

Kang the Conqueror

Unlike Medomai the Ageless, there really is no way around Kang the Conquerer‘s restriction. The turn itself stops you from activating power-up abilities, so there’s no way to chain turns one after the other with him alone.

However, if you keep a steady supply of blink effects to reset the power-up, you’ll get two turns at a time in perpetuity — assuming your opponents are stupid, and don’t know what Swords to Plowshares is, or that they should cast it on your commander immediately.

Bonus points: you can activate power-up abilities at instant speed, so blink Kang the Conquerer in an opponent’s upkeep, activate him, then take another turn for yourself afterwards! I fucking love Factorio!

Loki, Lord of Misrule

Now here’s a commander! Loki, Lord of Misrule is an infinitely-repeatable Nanogene Conversion on a stick, and there’s tons of ways you can abuse that. For the sake of keeping this review somewhat grounded in reality, I’m going to push down the rabid voice in my head screaming “Licids, Licids, Licids” over and over like an eldritch being whispering pleasant nothings about the inevitable heat death of the universe.

I’m also going to assume that you’ve found a reasonable method of generating a sufficient number of tokens. What types of payoffs are there?

• Anything that draws boatloads of cards. Floating-Dream Zubera with any sac outlet draws your deck, full-stop.
• Anything that can’t be blocked, is an anthem for their type, or otherwise dominates in combat. I’m not sure I can be trusted with the Irma, Part-Time Mutant chains this deck can pump out.
• Any creature with any kind of “activate only once” restriction on an ability. You’ll get to reuse it on all your creatures every time you activate Loki, Lord of Misrule. (My favorite is Chronatog).
• Any animated permanent, like a manland or animated artifact. Remember, creatures transformed this way turn into the base form of the permanent, so you can use this to hide your creatures inside real estate before you cast your Flood of Tears.
• Anything with a reasonably abusable trigger or replacement effect, like Alandra, Sky Dreamer or Geralf, the Fleshwright. God, I don’t wanna see what this does to Academy Manufactor.
• Heinous legendary creatures that have no business being on the field in multiples, like Orvar, the All-Form.
• Non-Humans, so you can mutate onto Humans when they’re temporarily not Humans.
• Loki himself, so that you can get more Loki per Loki. Ignore the fact that what you actually want to copy will also become Loki, it’s fiiiiine!
• And finally, ad-hoc weird stuff: Cosmia, God of the Voyage, God-Eternal Kefnet, and Chronozoa come to mind.

I have no complaints. Easiest the biggest winner in blue, if not this set.

Ms. Marvel, Kamala Khan

In case you wanted a way to win with Enter the Infinite that didn’t involve Laboratory Maniac.

Namor the Sub-Mariner

Oh my, that’s quite the triggered ability. Namor the Sub-Mariner makes any noncreature spell you cast create an amount of Merfolk equal to its devotion to blue, he’s evasive, and he gets stronger for each Merfolk you control. He’s gonna beat down your opponents for days, and I’d like to point out that most Counterspells have at least two blue pips.

Wait, I can’t let the general public know that. Uh, unread this review and just imagine I wrote “Smash.” Yeah, that’ll do.

Professor Hulk

Poor Colossal Dreadmaw. Outjerked again.

Reed Richards, Smartest Man

Excuse me?

So, Reed Richards, Smartest Man says the first time you deign to draw a card from your deck (outside of your universal basic income), you get four cards instead.

It’s a good thing blue isn’t known for having an abundance of free looters you can activate on enemy turns, or else this might get out of hand fast.

Shuri, Wakandan Inventor

I can imagine using Shuri, Wakandan Inventor to transform my easily equippable Shuko into a decidedly not easily equippable Argentum Armor.

Oh, and renewable copies of The Stasis Coffin, The Dominion Bracelet, and Gonti’s Aether Heart seem disgusting, too.

Silver Surfer, Cosmic Voyager

If you’re in a blink deck, then you’ll probably want Yorion, Sky Nomad, Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward, or any cheaper instant like Eerie Interlude first.

Now if you’re in a Landfall deck and it includes blue, congratulations: you just got a blinkable Scapeshift. As if I needed more bullshit in Tatyova, Benthic Druid.

Tony Stark // The Invincible Iron Man

Don’t fall for the trap here! Cheating out Equipment and attaching them to creatures for free is an Ardenn thing. One board wipe and you’ll have to pay full price to suit Tony Stark back up.

No, you want The Invincible Iron Man to cheat exclusively things that were banned by the United Nations for causing me to drive into oncoming traffic. Think Portal to Phyrexia-tier war crimes, and then call my therapist for me.

Valeria Richards, Precocious

Uninterestingly good. Valeria Richards, Precocious belongs in pretty much every non-cEDH artifact deck and spellslinger deck ever printed and it’s not even close.

Vision, Spectral Synthezoid

Once during each of your turns, take another turn for free.

No, seriously, if Vision, Spectral Synthezoid resolves, kiss your ass goodbye. Its controller will never relinquish control of the game again, and you have my permission to sit on your phone for the next twenty minutes.

Vulture, Feathered Fiend

Edric, Spymaster of Trest for the modern age. I’m not even convinced shedding green is all that big of a loss here, since that deck, like my lurid dreams, was already 99% Flying Men.

Wasp, Shrinking Savior

Okay, Wizards. You have my attention. What’s the easiest way to get a ton of creatures to have less than 0 power?

Well, spells like Beyeen Veil, Sea Hag, and Hysterical Blindness will get you there pretty quick. You can also stack permanents like Cumber Stone, though they’re all surprisingly expensive for some reason. Cryoshatter and related Auras are pretty good for single targets, and honestly, you don’t need more than about two or three of these before you’re set on card draw for the rest of the game.

Huh, I thought there’d be more. If she was Dimir you’d have loads more options, but that’s all we get.

Wiccan, Rising Magician

Bad Displacer Kitten is still Displacer Kitten, and I’m sure you’ll find people with loads of cantrips ready to make Wiccan, Rising Magician work. He might also be the perfect commander to steal yo’ girl, given you can target enemy creatures and force them to enter into terrible situations like Mistcaller, Theoretical Duplication, or Aboleth Spawn.